The old stereotypes of Dirty Old Man and Exploited Youth are fast being done away with. Here's a hard, critical look at gay intergenerational relationships.

verybody knows that some older guys chase after young men. But these days, a surprising number of younger guys - of legal age ofcourse - are lusting after older - and sometimes much older - men.

Intergenerational relationships have been around since before Socrates took his student on a date to the local taverna. And, if you're not convinced that "daddy"/"boy" stuff is all the rage - just check out the profiles of online cruisers.

Still, these relationships remain controversial and may be regarded with suspicion or envy; the current panic over pedophilia certainly hasn't improved matters either. But the facts are there - just as there have always been older gay men attracted to considerably younger men, there's also been a convenient vice versa. When you think about it, that's really not so hard to understand.

If young men are cute, innocent and lively although some have none of these traits, older men have their own particular attractions: maturity, handsomeness, wisdom, stability, expertise in bed ... Not every worthy sex object can pass for a star of Dawson's Creek.

So what is a daddy/boy relationship, anyway?

At its simplest, it's a relationship between an older and a younger man - both consenting adults - though the age difference and its importance can vary.

But, and here's where things can get complex, the terms "daddy" and "boy" are open to many meanings. Maybe "Daddy" calls his partner "boy" or "son" when they're in bed, and that's that. Or maybe these roles are retained full-time.

In some cases, things can get more explicit - like play-acted incest fantasies. That doesn't mean, of course, that guys into the daddy/boy scene approve of actual incest, any more than folks into S/M look kindly on assault and rape.

Speaking of S/M, the words have their own meanings within the leather community, where "boy" usually translates into "bottom" (in the sense of power dynamics, not necessarily who-gets-humped, which is yet another matter). So in an S/M scene, it's not uncommon to find a top working over a "boy" who's older than he is; a pal of mine, for example, likes to top "sons" old enough to be his father.

Confusing? It gets worse. Because in the real world, all sorts of people make all sorts of sexual arrangements. For instance, the word "daddy" might have "sugar" before it; that cute young thing on an A-gay's arm may well be bought and paid for. On the other hand, one guy I know was legally adopted by his daddy, complete with all sorts of legal benefits - a clever way around the ban on gay marriage. And, yes, it's well-used too.

For all the possible imbalance of power in daddy/boy relationships - and the power's not always with the older man - they can be extraordinarily tender. The older man can be a mentor, providing the wisdom of a lifetime, while the younger man provides freshness, energy, and joy.

One thing's for certain: daddy/boy relationships shouldn't be reduced to the old stereotypes of Dirty Old Man and Exploited (or Exploiting) Youth. Whether it's red-hot eroticism or the tenderness of a long-term intergenerational relationship, age has, for many gay men, become another piece of our lives that can be looked at, played with, made meaningful, and made hot.

an Electronic Mail & Guardian publication

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