January 6, 1999
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"I always meet men who are unavailable" Dr Jeffrey Chernin explains why examining patterns in your relationships may be the key to healthier ones Consider the following phrases about relationships: "I always meet people who are unavailable--they’re either in relationships or they’re from out of town". "Why is it that alcoholics and addicts are always attracted to me?" "To be considered, a man needs three things; a car, a phone, and a job--and I never find that!" Also, consider the following phrases regarding relationships: "Once I get to a certain point, I push people away." "Why do all of my relationships last less than a year?" "As soon as I let my guard down, they betray me." "God, she’s just like my mother (or father)." "It was great for a while, but now all we do is argue." Do any of these themes sound familiar? If so, examining relationship patterns could be a step toward healthier relationships. The first stage of relationships, according to many psychologists, involves infatuation. It’s the "this is the most wonderful person in the world!" stage (the Titanic Early Voyage Stage). The second stage is disillusionment. In short, it’s when the dirty clothes appear... the stacked dishes, the friends you don’t like, and the differences (the We Hit an Iceberg stage). This leads to the third stage, battling for power and control (the We’re Sinking stage). This stage may include fighting, withdrawal, criticism, and attempts to change the other person. Harmony and resolution are possible, but it takes work (the Rowing the Lifeboat to Shore stage). Transitioning from smooth sailing to hitting icebergs is a predictable part of relationships. It is at this time that perception of partners change, and couples begin to question the previously unsinkable relationship. Many people break up at this point, but understanding that it is normal to go through this adjustment period and taking steps to build a solid foundation may help prevent its demise. Part of the reason that relationships have become so difficult is because as we have evolved, the reasons for being in a relationship have changed. Until a few hundred years ago, an individual had to live with his or her family or some sort of group to survive. Today, however, people can live alone and do not need to be in a relationship or group to survive. Love, companionship, and someone to share our lives with still account for the main reasons to be in a relationship. But as we have evolved, relationships have come to serve another purpose; to grow and to heal childhood emotional wounds. The process of becoming wounded begins at birth. As small children, we are unable to take care of ourselves. This creates a dependency which leads to natural feelings of being inferior. A completely functional family would know how to reduce these natural feelings of inferiority and help to build self-esteem, confidence, and the means to navigate through adulthood challenges, which include occupation, friendships, and relationships. Generally, however, families aren’t functional in some ways, so the ability to deal with one or more of these adulthood challenges may have never been learned. As children, in order to deal with these feelings, we develop a belief system. This belief system explains the world around us and is basically intact at an early age. It consists of what we believe to be true about ourselves and others. Add growing up gay or lesbian in a homophobic society and it’s a recipe for a belief system rife with feeling unequipped to navigate relationships. And these challenges can cause difficulties with intimacy. Furthermore, out of this belief system, we create "tools" (coping mechanisms) to help us through childhood. The number of tools are limitless, and examples include becoming a loner, throwing tantrums, day-dreaming, and being "the good child." Though these tools were indeed helpful as a child, these same ways of coping may prevent us from having healthy relationships as adults. In order to attempt to heal these childhood wounds, we may as adults pursue potential lovers who verify our childhood beliefs about other people. In essence, you may be attracted to people who be like your parents or family of origin in some way, especially if there is unfinished business, unconsciously thinking that if you can change your partner, a part of you will be healed from these childhood wounds. Since this is an unconscious process, one way to discover if this is happening in your life is to see if there is a pattern to the type of partners you find (and the resulting feelings you feel or beliefs you verify about others), and if there is a lot of drama in your relationships. Other characteristics of relationships in which this unconscious process is occurring include overwhelming feelings of jealousy, fear of abandonment, insecurities, anger, and rebellion. Other markers include a history of breaking up and getting back together, feeling like a victim, or never being good enough--no matter how much you try to please your partner. For example, for people who grew up in a family which causes the belief that people can’t be trusted, they may unconsciously find partners who eventually betray their trust. And people whose parental expectations were so high that they could never meet these expectations may find themselves in relationships where they never feel good enough. Since each one of us has a unique, basic belief system and act as if it is true, interaction between two people becomes complicated. This unconscious belief system is the "baggage" we bring in to relationships. To continue the above examples, untrusting people repeatedly feel betrayed, and people who feel inadequate continue to feel not good enough. This occurs because people who verify these notions have been unconsciously sought out, and, as important, the interpretation of others’ actions may verify these beliefs. They may attempt to change their partner until realizing it is impossible to change others, thus becoming discouraged about ever finding the right person. If you and your partner learn what is happening, however, you have the opportunity to replace old patterns with new ways of relating, which is where the healing and growth can occur. And whether you are single or in a couple, you are able to take an individual journey in order to emerge more whole, and therefore more ready, to be in a healthy relationship. For people who are working on their individual issues, as noted above, relationships have evolved into vehicles which help people grow. Working through issues with your partner and being open to criticism and feedback can provide a wealth of information for growth. There is also an opportunity to outgrow ingrained patterns and to develop new ways of relating to others. Responsibility for choices and feelings may result, leading to an end of old patterns and happier, more satisfying relationships. The other possibility is to learn from experiences regarding the people we are attracted to and the situations which have occurred as a result. And this is where healing emotional childhood wounds through relationships can occur. In the next three articles, I will offer insights into working through the difficult relationship stages, suggestions for sorting through relationships challenges, and resources in the gay and lesbian community for same-sex couples. Dr. Jeff Chernin is a psychotherapist in Carmel, California. He has been a counselor in the lesbigay community for several years, has written numerous articles, and has written a book on counseling lesbians and gay men. He can be reached at Cheson@aol.com an Electronic Mail & Guardian publication home  |   news  |   jumpstart  |   archives  |   madam & eve za@play  |   movies  |   theatre  |   fine art  |   books © q online - January 6, 1999

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